oldjack

Journal for Wednesday March 13, 2008 for older people

Today it is proven, My mind is a meager mass of mush. Meandering from moldy, masculine minimal mosh pits to massive meals of metaphorical mish mash. There that's finished and no harm was done. Memory is a terrible thing to lose, I don’t mean amnesia but “what the hell am I doing on the stairs?” am I on my way up? or going down. Your at the supermarket, no list just winging it, you haven’t had lunch yet, so you really should be careful. That isle with the perfect turquoise bay and alabaster white beaches, let us land there! That’s the problem you screw up a word and your on a completely different playing field. Words are such marvelous things, they can do heroic battles, woo innocent maidens. Have you ever bowled a maiden over? That's like pitching a no-hitter. in the game of cricket. Speaking of which have you ever played Grasshopper? Aha! I assumed not. Beetle is a game played in Britain with a deck of cards, I think it’s called a drive. When you drive cattle they are on foot! when they are carried by vehicle they are trucked. Trucking was an innocent dance move of the 40’s and Arti Shaw played “string of pearls then, That was a great tune to dance to. A nice rhythm and sweet beat. The beat of a drum is most hypnotic, a Chinese, drum, (one hundred million miracles) a Japanese drum, I remember an evening in Tsukuba in the hills above Yokohama I heard a distant drumbeat, It was a warm moist evening and the beat beckoned me, I wandered about a half mile and came upon a large group of slightly drunken Nihon jin Beating off! It was magnificent! They seemed to take turns leading and the sounds were awesome! Awe like the first view of Yosemite or Niagara falls. something like taking my son into the lobby/atrium of a hotel in Frisco that had some 13 stories all facing the lobby floor. and little glass elevators whisking up and down.and the appropriate word was wow! A wow like you shout when you first step on the edge of the Grand Canyon. gee whillikers wouldn’t it be nice to have it on your back doorstep. such a trash can! Can you imagine some archeologist in the far distant future, digging our middens through stacks of plastic covered newspapers that can just barely be made out. This looks like some religious tract, get the book of ancient writings and translate, “Special today! canned peaches 39 cents” “hmm canned means let go from your work. peaches another name for the female of the species
39 are a form of mathematics no? cents? did they mean sense so as I see it your God will fire you if you fail to pay that lady the money for her smell! Odor is a wonderful thing, it can bring back hidden memories of our childhood, like the white paste used in the 3rd grade, almost edible. then came the little bottles of amber syrup that was dispensed through a flat red rubber nipple, that wasn’t edible. Have no fear the world continues to spin, summer comes then fall and winter. The polar caps melt and the sea rises. Should we start building dykes now? The coastal commission forbids breakwaters because it will disturb people down stream. Don't you just love it?

'Twas a beauteous day in Spring and all the boids were on the wing.
Oh my woid, how absoid,
I thought the wing was on the boid!

Our winter begins and ends with our rain. Everything turns green and if we get enough we'll have wild flowers. The birds are nesting, the gophers are proliferating, creeks run, and Ducks pair off, we have a momma mallard in the creek and two daddies following her. The oxalis blooms in the front lawn, and all the pollywogs in Diane's fish pond have turned into full voiced frogs. The skunks are leaving us alone, I guess they are holed up having babys. along with the possems, raccoons, wood rats, and field mice. Our phoebes didn't leave this winter, so I don't know where they are nesting, with the rains they may not build in our eaves, they do love the water and eat a lot of bugs. The bald eagles they left around our reservoir have increased and now ther are today there are more than 7,000 pairs in California. Life is good!

Having just past another number on the calendar of my life. I pause to take stock! 
My hair is grey.
Except for the few strands that grow out of my nose that is shiny black, viral and earthy (except for the boogers)! and from my ears it's gossamer gold, light and have! My fingernails and toenails are strong and straight. Fingers are a little warped. My hands, soft and wrinkled have not one callous,  and forearms are a mess! every knife, saw, chisel, piece of glass, splinter and rusty nail has left their indelible marks. the little squamis cell cancers having been dug out  leave a white patch. and the warts moles funny bumps and hair all vie with the wrinkles for a space in the sun. If I lie on my back and lift an arm up, I get folds of what can only be described as "crepey skin" My former pecs, now boobs look nice if you don't mind the hair. The hair on my chest is grey and wispy, doesn't grow in any direction. My once V shape has sagged to a mexican question mark. I recently thought of modeling mens underwear, but have almost given up the idea. My thighs are a mere shadow of their former selves, and my calves while still cramping nicely are a disappointment. Growing old is ugly!

Last Wednesday, our Japanese Daughter was walking her dog on the sidewalks of Lompoc when she was accosted by a pair of loose dogs, one a pit bull attacked her dog Graycha. Two young men on bicycles went to her aid. This was a brave and honorable act. Now comes the coincidence. one of the lads is the brother of Ceceyeah and Son of Mamastripeism See http://ceceyeah-paul.buzznet.com/user/photos/
It really is a small nice world

Talking to Jennifer this evening, about how my eyes didn't match, ans she suggested taking the lens out of one side and Well! That was a complete bust! I took the right lens out of my currant glasses and put them on and I got two images that could never mesh. The left eye had a clear image of yellowish tinge and the right eye with newly implanted lens was about 10% larger and much brighter colors! Like I was smoking dope in my right eye and wearing dirty sunglasses on my left eye. Oh well, we tried.

You know... Friday has lost it's magic. Just about all weekdays are the same. I do look forward to 4pm! Thats when we go to the doggy park. I also look forward to 11am thats my lunch time, there is something about food, the smell, the texture, the warm carress of my tongue, the aroma of warm weiners and piquant bite of the mustard, that topped by the cold feel of a chocolate milk shake!. 2 pm is good because that is salsa and guac time, the cold hot acidic bite of my salsa with the tender crunch of a Kiki's corn chip, made only in Lompoc. just blocks from Mamastripism.

At the present time, I'm blind in one eye and farsighted in the other, this is just the opposite of what I've lived with for 60 years. Next week I'll be fitted with new prescriptions, I'll write more then!

Italians, Barred by Their Government From Combat, Stage a Day-Long Medical Clinic and Supply Depot, Part of a Larger Mission to Win a Region's Support

By Pamela Constable
Washington Post Foreign Service
Saturday, January 13, 2007; A12


SURJAI, Afghanistan -- Inside a green tent pitched on an ice-crusted field and guarded by armed troops, a young boy winced in pain Wednesday as a military doctor slowly injected medicine into his nose and cheek, red and swollen from the parasitic disease leishmaniasis.

Nearby, soldiers tossed sacks of rice, beans, tea and sugar into wheelbarrows pushed by local villagers. At a third spot, cargo trucks piled with firewood and tin stoves were surrounded by excited, shoving crowds until a local mullah carrying a list of names restored order.

"Andiamo!" -- Let's go! -- called a rifleman near the food supplies, beckoning to the next family in line.

Col. Antonio Maggi, who commanded the day-long operation by Italian troops in the snow-coated Mushai Valley, strode watchfully among the tents and trucks. He often stopped to chat with local elders, an interpreter at his side.

To Maggi, who heads NATO's 2,000-member Italian military contingent in Afghanistan, the day's humanitarian mission was a small piece of a long-term, strategic plan to win the support and collaboration of the valley's 20,000 inhabitants for the Afghan central government and the international troops who support it.

Like most of the 26 foreign military contingents that comprise the 20,000 NATO troops stationed in Afghanistan, the Italians have been banned by their government from conducting combat missions, except for 72-hour emergency sorties to aid other NATO forces.

Only British, Canadian and Dutch combat troops operate in the four southern provinces where clashes with Taliban insurgents are constant and dozens of foreign soldiers have died. A separately commanded mission of about 20,000 U.S. troops is based in eastern Afghanistan, conducting combat and aid operations.

But officials say the work of troops from Italy, Turkey, France and other nations, which are bringing security, training, aid and development to impoverished and potentially hostile areas of central and northern Afghanistan, can be more effective than military raids, which can invade homes, create casualties and alienate communities.

"This valley is important because there have been problems with security in the past," Maggi said. "Now we are present, listening to the people's problems, meeting with the leaders, bringing assistance, doing joint patrols with the police. Our message to everyone is that there can be no reconstruction in the valley without security."

Lying about an hour's drive south of Kabul, the capital, the Mushai Valley has a history of strategic importance in Afghanistan's succession of conflicts. Militia commander Gulbuddin Hekmatyar, who with U.S. backing fought Soviet troops during the 1980s, maintained his stronghold near here. Later, he turned against the Western powers and is today a renegade insurgent leader.

During the years of Taliban rule, from 1996 to 2001, some foreign Arab militia groups lived in compounds nearby.

The largely unprotected valley is just across a low ridge of mountains from the border with Pakistan. NATO and Afghan officials say insurgent fighters from the revived Taliban militia receive training and weapons there and then infiltrate Afghanistan to launch attacks.

One of Maggi's principal roles, since the Mushai operation began in October, has been to help recruit, equip and train local police. The Italians have provided them with pickup trucks, radios, boots and wool winter uniforms. They are also building a brick police and administrative headquarters to replace the rudimentary hillside compound that is now the government's only structure in the district.

"Things have changed a lot since the colonel came," said the Mushai police chief, Commander Arif. "We are in an open area where people can come across from Pakistan, and we had no checkpoints before. Now we have three new checkpoints, joint patrols and 112 police officers getting trained. The people are collaborating 100 percent, so the insurgents cannot do their work."

The skill level of the police is still low, and Wednesday's giveaway program was briefly marred when an argument broke out around a truck laden with firewood. One inexperienced policeman hit a man with his rifle, bloodying his nose and angering the crowd.

But in general, the welcome received here by Maggi's forces, who attend regular meetings with local leaders, has stood in sharp contrast to the angry resentment aroused last fall when U.S. combat forces staged a raid looking for Taliban and al-Qaeda insurgents. Residents said the troops entered houses at night, herded women and children outside in the rain and shot one civilian dead.

"They did many wrong things, and the people were unhappy," said Maulvi Shirin Agha, a senior cleric in the valley, who helped organize the aid distribution this week. "They were looking for al-Qaeda, but there has been no al-Qaeda here for the last five years. The Italians behave very well with the people, and everyone likes them," he said. "The Taliban can only dream of coming back."

Aside from the improved security, leaders in the Mushai Valley said they were most grateful to the Italians for providing free medical aid. The area has no clinics, and families said that when they take sick children to hospitals in Kabul, they are turned away or given inadequate treatment.

On Wednesday, parents lined up all day outside the tent clinic where Lidia Sarntaro, a doctor and Italian army lieutenant, treated their children for coughs, headaches, rashes and more serious ailments. Twice she administered a local anesthetic and removed shrapnel fragments from a child's arm, bending over a metal cot with a scalpel and gauze to stanch the bleeding.

Lala Gul brought in his son Akmal, 7, who was left with a fragment in his arm last year when a shell he and another boy were handling exploded.

Gul worriedly watched the boy's frightened face while Sarntaro stitched up his arm. The second boy waited outside.

"I took them to the city, but nobody helped us. All the doctors asked us for too much money," said Gul, a farm laborer with eight children. He said he was taking home a bundle of food supplies, though he did not fully understand who had donated them. "The elders told us to come here today to get help," he said. "It is free, so I am happy."

In the middle of last year, I made a momentous discovery!  I can no longer play "Hop Scotch" when I stand on one leg and hop I get real tired very fast, my balance goes, and the squares are too small, or too big! and my maximum hops are about 3 (three).  No big deal, you say, Hah! I was once the champion of Gephart, Riley, Elliot, Harding, and 42nd Street schools I had a lagger that could hit and stick from 10 feet away!

This morning, on the Today show they had a segment on mental as well as physical aging. and for 5 box-tops and umpty ump-dollars they will send me a machine that will test my physical age. I don't need it, I have a hat that says I'm older than dirt!

So! I'll never climb Mount Everest, Denali, Mount Whitney, Mount Shasta, Pikes peak, or Thunderbolt Peak that tops out at over 14,000 feet! I max out for breathing at about 7,000. and that is driving up!. Climbing I can do two flights of stairs at sea level.

I'll never run a marathon, a 10K, a mile, a 440, 220 or 100 yards again.  I used to run the 100 and 220 and hurdles. Never cared much for distances.

That takes care of the physical, now the mental. In the past 77 year I have been accumulating bits and pieces of information, some lifesaving and some trivial. For instance, The Capital of Kern County is Bakersfield, it is 81 miles from Boron. where it can get up to 125 degrees in the summer, (but it's a dry heat) you can swim in the wet tailings (greygreen mud) from the borax mines, but when it dries, it is painful to pull your levies on.

When sugar, chocolate and milk are boiled to 116 degrees Farenheight (soft ball) it will crystalize into a delightful concoction called "Fudge"

The SNJ (trainer) aircraft stalls out at 60 miles per hour.  When you stall out, push stick forward and kick opposite rudder.

The necessary ingredients to good Spaghetti sauce, contains basil, oregano, garlic, tomatoes,thyme and ground beef. sometimes a bay leaf.

Too much fudge after italian food can give you heartburn.

Dogs respond to quiet authority. a Dog will always forgive you.

So! Physically I'm 105 and mentally I'm 15

We are off! leaving sunny Santa Barbara for soggy Kauai. Be back on the 9th
Love Jack

My 5’s

5 things in my fridge (isn't this a little personal)?
2% milk and mayo!
whole milk and OJ
half and half and mustard
cream and something growing green hair
sour cream and chocolat fudge browny ice cream

5 things in my closet
Massage table (just barely used)
Golf frizzbee disks
nine tennis rackets
new old style roller skates
Pet carrier full of porn

5 things in my pockets (I don't own a purse)
chapstick and change
Keys to house, car, Swiss army knife, blue flash light
wallet
comb
poop bags for doggies

5 things in the car
rope for towing motorcycle
tictacs (from when we quit smoking)
old lottery tickets
plastic dark glasses from eye doc
assorted tapes Abba, some Irish lady "Sail away"

5 people
rhiwena
mrsasta
scockcroft
mamastripeism
azannie

Yesterday dawned foggy as many of our days do, the birds still sing, but in a muted fashion. My Dear wife Elspeth flushed the downstairs john and got an audible swoosh!. Now Elspeth being her Fathers Daughter is keenly aware of sound changes, (squeaks, rattles, moans, groans and any other variances) She called a plumber. The plumber came at the specified hour. Found our pressure regulator Kaput and went about replacing it. When he has disassembled it from the house he thought he had touched a thorn as he worked the thorn continued up his arm and rattled his teeth! He was being electrocuted! He stopped backed off and I turned off the main switch and called the power company and an electrician as I couldn't turn the circuit breaker back on. This was the SECOND trades person to arrive on the hour specified on the day he was called!! He replaced the switches and looked at some of my old wiring (a little sub code) then left and the Power company man arrived Same DAY! He saw that our incoming wires one was broken, so with another mans help someone had to climb the power pole. thru the bees hive and suffer the curious humming birds. they replaced it. So three tradesmen all arrived on the same day they were asked. Fantastic! But of course I haven't gotten any bills yet.

Once upon a time, in the middle of the ocean, there was the Island of Trid. It seems that most of the Island of Trid was covered by a large mountain. On this mountain lived a Giant. The Giant did not allow Trids on his mountain. If a Trid dared to climb onto the mountain, the Giant would kick him into the ocean. Trids are notoriously bad swimmers, and frequently drowned when kicked into the ocean.

The Trids were a very sexual people, and the population had grown quite large. Every square inch of the island, except the mountain, was crowded with Trids.

The Trids spent their days crowded together, dreaming of the open space available on the ever visible mountain. Every few days, a Trid would decide he couldn't stand the crowds any more. He would start to climb the mountain, and the Giant would kick the Trid into the ocean.The Trids were a very depressed people.

One day a traveling Rabbi visited the Island of Trid. Despite their overcrowded conditions, the Trids were extremely generous to this man of God.

The Rabbi decided to return the favor, and to go plead the Trid's case to the Giant. "Surely the Giant can be convinced to share some of the mountain with you," the Rabbi explained.

The Trids were horrified. "Please don't go, Rabbi", the Trids implored. "The Giant will kick you into the ocean, and you will surely drown."

The Rabbi was stubborn, and insisted that he talk to the Giant. The Trids sent out every boat they had. They formed a ring around the island, so that they would be able to rescue the Rabbi.

The Rabbi started walking towards the mountain. No sign of the Giant. He walked through the foothills, and there was no sign of the Giant. He started up the slopes of the mountain, further than any Trid had ever been. Still no sign of the Giant.

Finally he reached the summit of the mountain. There the Giant was waiting for him. The Rabbi asked "Tell me Giant, why have you allowed me to climb to the top of the mountain, without kicking me off the moment I started climbing?"

And the Giant replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

Failure to heed this warning will cause your next cup of hot chocolate to be made out of Exlax!

If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole! milk.
***WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN*****

And... if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you. Send this warning to absolutely everyone!!! THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD! Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!! ... And look at you - you're on the computer!!!! Sad... very sad.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once
again asked readers to take any word from the
dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
 
Here are this year's {2005} winners:
 
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house,
which renders the subject financially impotent
for an indefinite period.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and
an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund,
which lasts until you realize it was your money to
start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a
hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding
stupid people that stop bright ideas from
penetrating.
   The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about
yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very,
very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author
of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously
when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. 
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
(This one got extra credit.)
12 Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody
is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?
And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of
getting through the day consuming only
things that are good for you.
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid
ideas to seem smarter when they come at
you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance
performed just after you've accidentally walked
through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a
mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three
in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n): The color you turn after finding
half a worm in the fruit you are eating.

I had no idea that fate would treat me so haphazardly today or I might have stayed in bed!

It dawned sunny and a promise of warmth, I felt good, I had outlasted Elspeth and she was up letting Rikki out of his crate and giving him a good morning scratch, I must have mumbled something, that the dog took as an invitation (he accepts all signals as invitations) and he landed in the middle of the bed and tried unsuccessfully to french kiss me. I grunted and heaved his butt out and he was off with a bound to answer his morning P-mail. I was back trying to find the thread of my last dream, whem thump! he landed back with wet feet and a very wet nose. That did it, all thought of recapturing the reveries of my REM sleep were gone! so I got up! I took all my prescribed medications finished my OJ and started reading the paper and eating my cold cereal. I have eaten cold cereal since my Mother refused, I had to feed myself about age 5? I ate Wheaties breakfast of champions, until 1939 I discovered cornflakes didn't get so soggy. (nothing worse than soggy cereal) I ate Kelloggs Corn until I read a newspaper article that they had the food value of the cardboard box they came in, that was in the 50's so I switched to product 19. (another name made up by language deficient product engineers, like Preparation H and Heintz 57) My favorite supermarket is falling into a lethargic failure, with everyday another product missing from the shelves. The latest is light green Tic Tacs. These were my saving grace when I quit smoking! Where was I, Oh yes I switched to blue boxes of Total, would have loved to eat the yellow boxes but as soon as they were put on the market, they were discontinued! (another f---king Betamax)
I did finish my breakfast and read the paper that's worth reading, ie, Funnies, Obits, A-1 A-2, B-1 Ann Landers Daughter? and Marilyn Max. It being Saturday they have a box with all the storms, earthquakes and important stuff, like the turtle that died in an Indian zoo at age 255 years! It was a gift to a man in India from a sailor who caught it in the Seychells in the 17th century!. I don't get a chance at the crossword or sudoko, they are Elspeth's. When the paper is done, Rikki gets his morning walk. Lunch at 11am Hot dog and a choclate milkshake I read my Buzznet comments and decided to take a picture of my clean sparkling pool, in contrast to the grungie one. when I turned the camer on the batteries were weak and there were a few leaves on the surface, I put my camera into my pocket, picked up the strainer and made a couple passes at the surface, the next thing I found myself floundering in 7 foot of water!, I swam to the steps at the shallow end and climed out. I yelled in the house to bring me some towels! as I dried off I took stock Shoes wet, pants wet, sox wet, shirt wet, wallet wet, and OMG my camera was in my pocket! Idid my best to dry it off but so far no luck, I called the store and they said the repair bill would be as much as a new camera! SO I took a nap! Elspet woke me and said Rikki's class started in 2 minutes. I put on dry clothes and we sat, heeled, and walked., Something screwed up, but at 2pm the "little dogs" were at the park and Rikki is one of the founding Fathers we had to attend. I wish I could say suprise April fools day! But it made Elspeths day to see me wet, best laugh she has had in a long time *G*
Old Jack

Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a
serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions
Carpet Fresh.

Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed.
Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and
claim an ecological exemption.

Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful
filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an
SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs, artfully draped over lampshades, will reduce the glare
from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your
husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply
look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

"Watching the dust floating through the air is my hobby. I
count each piece and name them."

In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of
unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides
the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your
vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways
by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand
sewn play animals for underprivileged children.

If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into
one room and close the door. As you show your guests through
your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl
and say, "I'd love for you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be
disturbed and the shots are SO expensive!"

If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn
on the coffee table and insist that; "THIS is where Grandma
wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall
with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears
as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable
accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..."

Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four
cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave
dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted
look; throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I
clean and I still don't get anywhere"

Exclaim, "Please don't remove my dust! It has taken me many
years to collect it"

In 1950 I was working nights as manager and fry cook of my Uncles Drive in restaurant in Paso Robles. One Day I saw a pretty young native farmers daughter. Being nearsighted I could only make out a very nice smile. She ate there regularly, about the fourth time I saw her I Passed a note on her cheeseburger. What's your name? and signed your nearsighted admirer. Jack. she answered we dated and one Hot summer day befor I was due to work, I said let's go to Las Vegas! She said she couldn't do that and I replied I'll marry you. We went and nine years five months and two Daughters later we divorced.

In 1962 I was living in Santa Barbara, and a member of the first Presbyterian Church. I sang in the choir and met many pretty girls, and helped start a club for single people. There were many single women, and very few elegible men. A Swiss nurse I was dating brought some British nurses, and friends to the club. Among which was a young Scotish lass named Elspeth. who impressed me by riding astride the back of my motorcycle. We dated and at a "pot luck" or perhaps it was a meal prepared by me, I can't remember. anyway it was a Chinese meal and had fortune cookies. I secretly inserted a substitute fortune that said "You will marry a tall dark man named Jack" and she did!

In 1950 I was working nights as manager and fry cook of my Uncles Drive in restaurant in Paso Robles. One Day I saw a pretty young native farmers daughter. Being nearsighted I could only make out a very nice smile. She ate there regularly, about the fourth time I saw her I Passed a note on her cheeseburger. What's your name? and signed your nearsighted admirer. Jack. she answered we dated and one Hot summer day befor I was due to work, I said let's go to Las Vegas! She said she couldn't do that and I replied I'll marry you. We went and nine years five months and two Daughters later we divorced.

In 1962 I was living in Santa Barbara, and a member of the first Presbyterian Church. I sang in the choir and met many pretty girls, and helped start a club for single people. There were many single women, and very few elegible men. A Swiss nurse I was dating brought some British nurses, and friends to the club. Among which was a young Scotish lass named Elspeth. who impressed me by riding astride the back of my motorcycle. We dated and at a "pot luck" or perhaps it was a meal prepared by me, I can't remember. anyway it was a Chinese meal and had fortune cookies. I secretly inserted a substitute fortune that said "You will marry a tall dark man named Jack" and she did!

 If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced   enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death! (Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
 (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.....)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig???)

"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances." -- Dr. Lee DeForest, Inventor of TV

"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." - - Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project

"There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom." -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us," -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible," -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper," -- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make," -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out," -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible," -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this," - - Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy," -- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." - - Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value," -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented," -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.

"The super computer is technologically impossible. It would take all of the water that flows over Niagara Falls to cool the heat generated by the number of vacuum tubes required." -- professor of electrical engineering, New York University

"I don't know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of documents. It certainly couldn't be a feasible business by itself." -- the head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon," -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

And last but not least...

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977